ten thousand reasons.

We have a very strategic plan; it’s called doing something.

This time last year, I wrote this. It’s my camp process post, and in 2012 I came home inspired and challenged; having learnt a tonne and cried a tonne. 

This year was different.

As usual, I’ve spent the last week at Camp Kedron, in the valley of a stunning national park; surrounded by 140 teenagers, and 20 something other leaders. We took a week out to ban phones, eat good food, swim, climb, do team building exercises and most centrally; talk, learn and practice Jesus.

This year was different though.

For one, I’m haven’t come home on a camp high. I’m not pining for it. There’s a not a tantrum in sight.

And don't get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with my cabin. In fact, the 9 fifteen and sixteen year olds I was responsible for were all wonderful; kind, sweet, loving and genuine girls. There was no need to rouse on late night talking, nurse hypochondriacs as they wagged activities, or deal with female tears and tantrums. Instead we made hair wraps and even went to bed without question. There was no complaining, not even when I got us lost, or used them as guinea pigs for my experimental techniques {which involved spontaneous prayer triplets,  and throwing sticks off of cliffs to symbolically represent the prayerful move away from life’s hindering obstacles}.

So it wasn’t my cabin.

It wasn’t the camp, either. Our theme this year was “God of Wonders” and each day we went through the song.

For “early in the morning we will celebrate the light”; this meant getting 140 teenagers up at 4:45am, to take a bus to the beach and the sunrise.

 For “as we stumble in the darkness we will call your name by night,” this meant hiking up the mountain, in the dark, on their first night. “Of water, earth and sky” meant that we went swimming, fort digging, bird watching, high ropes coursing and aquatic centering.

 “The universe declares your majesty” meant sitting out under the stars, blankets and pillows a plenty, watching Louie Giglio’s “Indescribable”, as we prayed away the rain.

So it wasn’t the program.

I didn’t sleep, but as per usual I pushed through with a whole lot of sugar, many cups of coffee, love letters, prayer times, some spiritual encouragement; and several late night cathartic moments in the arms of other leaders.

So it wasn’t the exhaustion.

God moved in the camp, and He moved in the campers. He moved in the worship, and He changed hearts. There were tears, heart breaking stories, first time commitments, re-commitments, powerful testimonies and one of the most transforming life changes I have ever had the privilege to witness.

So it wasn’t that.

I decided once again this camp that I am so very, very glad I’m no longer in High School. With the hormones, and the awkward growth stages, the constant judgement, competitions, rumours and pressures.

For one, I found myself very frustrated by teenagers this week. On the bus, the camp switched between singing “how great is our God” and “ she’s so fine, and she’s got legs like mine, and when she cross the street, the cars go beep.. beep .. beep..”…

I got frustrated with conversations, about why we should care about our meat consumption; "who cares about the environment and global equality when it’s so much easier to sit in our beds and be comfortable". I tell you, it took all my patience to not stand up, turn over a few chairs and rampage around with a pointed finger yelling “YOU ARE WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE WORLD!”

I got frustrated with the amount of butts, boobs, bra’s and bare legs I saw on a day to day basis.

And I got frustrated by my attitude towards this all, my judgmentalism. I was frustrated about how I was picking splinters everywhere; whilst sulking around with a log in my eye. Seeing behaviour, and missing hearts.

I got frustrated by my selfishness, my desire to sleep over almost anything else. My lack of courage to seize opportunities.

When you stand in a team of the most incredible leaders, the most humble and wonderful examples of Christ like character, then yeah, you get frustrated over your inadequacies, your lack of faith, your hard heart. When they’re busy dancing down the isles in worship, and you’re glued to your seat. When they’re fearlessly proclaiming scriptures over campers, and your making yourself coffee.  When they’re initiating Gospel conversations on the bus, and you’re actually asleep by this point, well yeah – you feel pretty sub-par. At least I did.

So maybe it was a little bit of that.

But what I think it comes down to is feeling.

I’m an emotional nightmare, really. I do feel sorry for my (truly wonderful) boyfriend who deals with a lot of it. I feel everything quite strongly, happiness, closeness, love, despair, fear and sadness. When I’m happy I’m real happy, when I’m excited I’m really excited, but when I’m sad, I’m really sad.

IM EMOTIONAL.

I base my decisions on my emotions, most if not all of the time. And recently, for a while now really, I haven’t been about to feel God. And if I can’t feel Him, He’s clearly not there, and hence the core of who I am and what I stand for crumbles down around me. As does my emotional state, and  my functioning-as-a-normal-person skills.

And this week, I couldn’t feel Him. There were moments, yes. But it wasn’t constant, and for every high there was a low, tears – even.

So camp. I think my greatest lesson was simply that it’s not about a feeling. Feelings change, but God doesn't. Whether or not I feel it in the moment, God is still good. He is still faithful. He is still present. He is still with me. He is still working within, with and in spite of me. Loving Him is not about a feeling, and if I pin "love" down to that, then I’m misunderstanding the concept itself. If the only proof that Jesus loved me was a mushy  feeling, well, then, I’d be in great trouble. Jesus’ died as a sacrifice for me. Love is sacrificial action, and I learnt that all over again.

Whether I feel it or not, love is sacrificial action. Whether I feel Him or not, our trial is perseverance.

Whether I feel Him or not, is not the point. He calls us to holiness, not happiness and there’s a difference.

Whether I feel it or not, God worked through camp. 

And whether I feel it or not, I am thankful.

holes in dough make life amazing

No one goes to camp more then my brother.

It’s actually got ridiculous. It’s the fifteenth of January, and this is his second. And with the other brother moved out, that leaves me as an only child, and tonight – home alone.

Right now I should probably be sleeping, but instead I made bagels.

way too much beauty for me to handle right now.

As in baked bagels, from scratch. In my pajamas, on a whim. The house smells amazing, by the way.

Look out future house mates, I now make bagels.

I bake always, but especially when I’m really happy.

And my goodness, God has been good to me. God has been good to me, God has been good to me!

THANK YOU to those who have been praying for me, and standing with me during these strange times. I’ve sent many hurried emails, eaten a lot of hersheys kisses, and spent a great deal of time rolling around my room making pretend to-do lists and biting time.

But there is victory! In the form of employment, both here in Australia and (most likely and potentially) in the USA. There is step 1 of many (but still counts) victory in getting my visa. There is victory in preparing for camp next week (heart wise, health wise, motivation and time wise). There is victory in bagel baking.

Everyone come for breakfast!

(yes, I will be tired).

step 1: google recipe & gather.

2. One and one half cups of warm water with one dry yeast sachet and one tbs caster sugar.
Leave for 5 minutes to rise.

3. Add 4 cups of plain flour and 3tsp salt.

4. Knead for 10 (long and never ending) minutes.

5. marvel at your kneading skills.

6. Cover with plastic wrap and let rise in a warm place for 30 minutes.

7. Break dough into 12 pieces, make a hole.

8. Boil 2L of water,  boil bagels for about 6 minutes.

9. Dry.

10. Put on tray and brush with milk and egg yolk.

11. Sprinkle with poppy and sunflower seeds.

12. Bake for 20 minutes and eat complex carbs
at all hours of the night!

hanging with my man (frotto).

This morning, I had a moment with a possum.

Never thought I'd say that sentence, but it's true.

I was on my usual running route, which trails through a little bit of bushland, when out of the corner of my eye I saw it. Movement.

 It was 6-something in the morning, and it could have been anything. It was down in the bushes, so I guessed a cat, or some type of tiny wallaby..

I stopped, clicked pause on my iPod and took the time to look, and there it was; one of the most adorable things I have ever seen before.

A possum, lying on its back in the early morning, having a roll around in the dirt and literally playing with the grass and leaves that hung above its head. I swear, it's little paws were all pouncy and beautiful, and in the split second I got to witness this (before it realized what I was, and began to freak out a little bit), it blessed my little heart.

I stopped dead in my tracks as it righted itself, climbed out of its play hole and stared at me, I crouched and spoke to it lovingly. I may or may not have whispered "you are so beautiful" at one point or another.

Secretly I kind of hope someone else was watching the whole thing go down. Me whispering compliments to a possum, in the early hours of the morning, as we stared into eachothers eyes, and shared our moment.

Point being, I made the consious decision to stop this morning. To bend, to breathe, and quiet myself. To enjoy the fact that possums play, and in some small way, I got to be a part of that. I could either see that as a nothing or a blessing, and I'm doing my best, at the moment, to actively choose option two.

I'm concerned with the fact that my neutral face is angry, and my regular mood is... moody, or mad. I wake up upset with the world (and the hour of the morning...), in hopes that something happy will happen, and cheer me up.

This is terrible, and I do not want to be this person. Not at all.

I want to be a joy to be around. I want to find goodness in all things, outside of circumstance, and somehow take heed of all the ridiculous blessings that God has so lovingly heaped upon my life; and pour that out in who I am, and what I project to the world.

I am so blessed, and I should be so thankful.

Joy outside of circumstance, I want to be a joy!

Too much of the time I feel like a drain on other people, with my drama, and my attitude, and my unwillingness to talk things through, or let things go.

And so, in prayer and in persistence, I'm giving these things up. I'm doing my best, as a moment by moment thing, to seek joy alone, in the one alone who can provide it. That being He; author and perfecter of my soul.

It's less about trying, and more about surrendering. 

And hence this morning, I had a moment with a possum. And it was wonderful, and made me smile, and run a little faster.

I am blessed.

*note. Due to the international spread of my readers (hi!), I feel I should explain. In my country, possums do not look like this:

But more like this:

We don't shoot them, eat them, hate them or kill them.

When we come across them late at night, in mystical parks afilled with possum-dwelling trees, we exclaim "oh look a possum!", and grab for our cameras, not "oh look a possum!" as we rifle for our guns.

So here's to beauty in possums. Yes I have time. Happy Sunday.

{oh, the title of this post? this afternoon I had the pleasure of hanging out with one of my favourite men. My manfrotto.

He's a tripod, he's heavy, and he's awesome. In the spirit of ceasing the day, and embracing this sweaty Summer, I spent the afternoon photographing some wonderful friends. They are not engaged (despite the rumours). They are just lovely and gracious enough to let me practice on them! And I am thankful. Here's some of my favourites:}

I feel I need to caption and explain this one...
In my head I had this genius idea. That beneath the sheets these two would look
mystical, in love, indie; and so much more.
Turns out it was in fact ridiculous, and they quickly looked like sheet ghosts.
But props to them for being awesome, and letting me try my thing!

Are you engaged? A couple? Having an anniversary? Particularly close with a sibling and or other relative? Then you should really let me practice on you too! Completely free, all photos are yours, and I will be eternally grateful. 

love love love.

The end.