I was sitting in a Mexican chain-eraunt, for an occasion I can't
remember. I was with a bunch of wonderful church-going US friends, in Seattle,
about to dig into my first "real" burrito.
Burrito's, as it happens,
are a complicated order, which involve several dozen decisions made
in quick succession, as the burrito man (as he shall now be known) makes
judgement, as if you should know, because everyone should know, what flavour each
eight different sauce colours correspond with. It's a big deal.
They aren't date food, that's for sure. Confirmed by the swab of napkins
you fist as you grab your plate-sized food, unsure of how to wrap or where to
start from, as you lever hunks into your mouth from every angle, spirting sauce
all over the face (meant to write place, but I like this better..).
It's
impossible to talk with a mouthful of burrito, especially for souls like me who
use their hands, and whose hands - precisely - are wrapped around the globs of
dripping tortilla, meat, vegetables, and various saucy substances. They're
wonderful chaos.
Anyway, here I am with my friends and my burrito, and as the
conversation flowed (not by me.. obviously, with the burrito problem..) we
turned to gender. Male and female, and the perks and jerks of being each one.
From memory, the squad was quite evenly divided between the two and as a pod,
we almost unanimously decided that it was in-fact undeniable; both men and
women are valued, sure, but being a man is better.
And as much as I try and deny it, and push it aside, and embrace my
femininity, I agree.
Being a man is better, easier, and I think; better suited to me!
There are the cliches; men don't have periods, they don't have to worry
about their hair, they store less fat, they don't get stretch marks, period
pains, or PMS. There's no expenses on make-up, no leaky tear ducts over Bambi,
no emotional bottle-ups or melt downs, they get to pee standing up. Yes I'm
being overly simplistic, superficial and archaic, and all those
things, but I'm also talking Biblically (I think maybe).
Wives are to support their husbands, be gentle, hard working, loving,
giving, selfless and bearers of much, fertile fruit. The house is meant to be
ready, providing a warm and nurturing home for the man, and their
beloved babies.
This is wonderful, and I admire women of such valor and character! And
don't get me wrong, I believe behind every great man there is a great woman,
but still; I would just prefer to be a man.
There is no doubt I'm female, I have the products, parts and irrationality
to prove it, I enjoy baking, and Legally Blonde, and great stationary shops. I
like being a girl, sometimes, I love having girl friends, and being courted,
and all those wonderful feminine things.
But, I can not be a home-body. I want to change and rock the world, work
hard and develop something, I want to work and earn and lead and build, and I
can't help but see right now, the house-bound wife woman, as not only Biblical,
but what I'm supposed to want. A wonderful, privileged calling? Absolutely,
but terrifying to me. To be honest, I feel like it's a sell out for me (please
note I say for me).
What do I do with this? What do you do with this?
It's all media right now, this idea of submission and manhood in
marriage, and like the rest of the out-of-context world, my heckles are up as
my dreams are being threatened and my regimental feminine independent side
demands to prove them wrong.
Ai yah.
I'm stuck. I'm reading books and praying, do I need to change my heart, or not limit God? Am I being stubborn and selfish? Is it wrong to question my identity and gender? To question the fluidity of gender and identity itself? Probably. Who knows. All of the above.
Do I really think all this? I don't know, maybe not.
I just want to be faithful (is that true?).
I do like being a woman, really.
I'm on a quest to stop with the drama, and discover what it means to be
a woman. Of God, in my culture, with my identity, and what that means for me.
*note: I am aware that this ridiculous post is filled with smack in the
face and clearly obvious Bec-style emotional drama and indiscisivness.
Welcome to my brain.
I need to suck it up, pursue humility, trust God and keep on keeping on.
Quest stop one. Read this tonight.
"I get the sense that many in the contemporary biblical womanhood movement feel
that the tasks associated with homemaking have been so marginalised in
our culture that it's up to them to restore the sacredness of keeping the home.
This is a noble goal indeed, and one around which all people of faith can
rally. But in our efforts to celebrate and affirm Gods presence in
the home, we should be wary of elevating the vocation of homemaking above all
others by insinuating that for women, Gods presence is somehow restricted to
that sphere.
If God is the God of all pots and pans, then He is also the God of all
shovels and computers and paints and assembly lines and executive offices and
classrooms. Peace and joy belong not to the woman who finds the right vocation,
but to the woman who finds God in any vocation, who looks for
the divine around any corner".
- Rachel Held Evans, A Year of Biblical Womanhood (2012: 30)
I don't know what I think yet. But I'm thinking. Thoughts?
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