Sometimes
I think, is it possible, or fair, for one person to have so much happiness?
There
is so much joy here right now. So. Much. Joy.
Joy
in family, in relationships, in celebrations, in change and in the coming of age.
In
the little, and the big, and the mighty and the "well I think it's
significant, even if you don’t".
10 blessings of the week:
1. Finished my last exam. Aced it.
Which means, I finished my degree (theoretically). No more exams, quite
possibly ever. Feel free to high-five your screen, because I am.
these are my study notes on dam building.
because I'm hilarious.
2. The six year old I nanny made me
a bracelet for my birthday. More then a week in advance. And today, she showed
me her prize snowglobe collection.
“This is very, very special” she
kept saying. I feel very, very special.
4. Year 5 and 6 at my old High
School are raising funds and goodies to send to the programs my parents have
been working on. Next week, I get to go visit them and talk about Africa, HIV,
hope giving, and loving from a distance. I love this. This is my dream life.
5. In one week, I get two weeks
holiday. No work, and the very best company in the whole wide world.
6. This morning, I spoke at and went
to simaid’s 30th birthday party. It was wonderful. So much joy in
hearing the history and future dreamings of an amazing organization, who holds
one hand in Gods, and the other out in practical service.
30 years!
I met many wonderful people. One man, who led one of the first Australian AIDS patients to the Lord. Another, who is starting her own missions NGO. To feed starving people, she says. What an honour and a privilege it is to care for people
we have never met, over the other side of the world, through missions. We have
the opportunity, by extension and support and within the body of Christ, to share the love of Jesus, to bandage wounds, to raise
orphans. To go into the homes of the sick, to equip others, to heal, to bring
the good news to some of the most remote places in the world; from the innards
of mega cities to some of the most rural and un-named corners of the earth. In
the name of Jesus we have the opportunity to practically, actually and
spiritually love the broken and the hurting and the lost. Praise God. What an
honour. I'm excited.
I made the time line. pretty excited about it.
yes.
newly residing in my belly.
7. As part of this, simaid had a silent auction. They sold one
of my photos, as a huge print canvas. This makes me happy! Orange HOPE also now
has business cards. And I love this all.
yeah!
there she is!
8. My younger brother dances. And my goodness, he dances well. His concerts are one of my favourite nights of the year, I well with pride (and
then jealous, go home and practice my own sweet moves in the privacy of my
bedroom). He is talented. Usually, it’s a family affair. Mum, dad, myself and
all the grandparents. This year, it was just me. I was wedged at the edge of a
row, in the teared section, with a several meter drop beside me, strangers by my side. During his
dance I clapped too enthusiastically, and managed to launch my program over
the edge. It all happened in a second, and I watched it float right out of my
reach.
And then, at the end of the night they give awards. In front
of everyone, for the whole huge dance school. And Ben won the
Senior Perpetual. It doesn’t get much better then that and I was the only one
to witness it. I may or may not have cried, and then this happened. To send
over to mum and dad:
9. Yesterday, I hosted/ had my first ever thanksgiving. Because: a) I have a whole lot to be thankful for, and b) sometimes I think I am
American. It went at least a hundred thousand times better then I ever could
have hoped for or expected. It was beautiful, and I am very thankful for the
people in my life, and the family that Christ bonds together with His
sacrifice. We cooked among eachother, prepared the most incredible spread,
shared communion, chatted, and added little love to my thanksgiving tree.
I roasted my first chicken, and made my first (mostly unsuccessful) pumpkin
pie. I also cremated a loaf of bread, and managed to lose my phone inside the
piano. But it was wonderful, there was a floor picnic, and I am thankful.
donna hay, my usually faithful friend, your pumpkin pie sucks.
pk.
fl.
watching black books. baking up a storm.
250grams of butter. m.
pie dough.
the bread that I forgot about and very soon after tossed.
maple.
about 2cm thick crust.
pre baking.
meat thermometer.
le table.
thanksgiving tree! with stars to fill in and hang.
the chook.
the ah-may-zing dinner spread!! pre the amazing dessert spread.
candle lit floor picnics.
:)
10. In one week and one day I am 22. My life is now full of
friends, time, advocacy, plans and entertaining.
My life right now, I don’t really know where
to begin.
I have so much going on, and all I want to do is make pie.
made this pie tonight! does it look like vomit? because it was. binned it.
I also want to update my blog. Everything. This
was originally a 12 month plan. An Orange HOPE, HIV, travels, tales and
processing plan. That ends next month, and if you look at my track record, you
can slowly see that blogging has gone to the back burner {3 posts in October? Really?}.
I want to write some more. Lots more. I want
my life to be filled with things to say. Adventure.
It's comes to a cross road, my
life that is. The type in country music songs. With rusty signs, and
pick up trucks.
{Apparently more Americans read my blog then
Australians, so I have to translate. It’s utes, for those down under}
(^ my song of the day)
The past two weeks have been all about
decisions. Decisions and change.
I’m meant to be studying, and all I want to
do is make pie.
soft red liquorice. the highlight of my study day.
But here is my current wrestle. My tear-my-life-and-heart-apart wrestle:
What does it actually mean to follow Christ. Who is this Christ I’m
following.
I’m in a weird place, and everything is
changing. I’m learning, that when it comes to decision making, and when it
comes to change, I don’t deal well.
oh hey weirdo.
In fact, I sometimes lie prostrate on the
floor and sob over things I’m not sure about.
I think back to this time last year, and I
was so excited and terrified of the 2012 to be. I would be away for four
months, and then newly indepent in my own home for three. There would be three
new countries, and I would need to figure out, once I was graduated, what I
wanted to do with my life. And where. I had an exciting Ambassadorship, my
parents were moving away, it was all a happening.
recommended.
And now, I’m sitting on the other side of
that. Having been, and loved, and done that school thing, it’s bizarre. Time
has gone so quickly. This year has been magical, and Gods hand has been
throughout. So much play, and so much fun.
And as I think about next year, and who I am
now, and who I want to be, 12 months on; I can’t help but forsee a lot of
change. Change, change, change. As in, every single thing that I know.
yes I am just photographing the things around me.
2012 the year of adventure, 2013 the year of
change.
A few months of home. Of family time, a book
of poems and piano learning. New work, new routine, new who knows what.
{God.}
because when it rains I miss Seattle. So I drink from my starbucks mug, and instead be thankful.
Then moving, to a foreign land to do things I
don’t know about yet. Oh the lessons I’ll learn.
For the first time I will:
-Move out of
home
-Buy a car
-Live where
it snows
-Not live on
the coast
- Get a full
time job
-Run a half
marathon
-Etc etc
I’m moving to Nebraska, did you know that? I’m
moving to Nebraska. With a one way ticket, once I graduate. I graduate in
April.
What is
going on.
I take great comfort right now in the fact
that I serve a living God. Who loves me, cares for me, and never leaves me.
Does you spell leaves like that? How odd. It’s
the same for tree leaves. The leaves leave. Is that why they are called leaves?
The mysteries.
I am about to come into a great deal of time.
For the first time in months and months, I’m going to have time.
todays time: study.
That terrifies me.
Some people hide their insecurities behind
beards, or words, or heaven forbid – blogging – but I do so with a crazy, busy
routine. 12 jobs, give or take, plus school and an Ambassadorship? Wow, I tell myself daily, I AM SO CAPABLE. Pretty impressive, if
you ask me.
Not so anymore.
What will I do?
I’m challenged by many things this week. By
my priorities, my faith, my heart, my hypocrisy. How and where I spend my time.
My lack of trust, lack of faith. And in that inadequacy, the fullness of Christ.
I want to be one who is known for her faith.
Who believes in the do not fear. In the do not be afraid. In the take heart,
for I have overcome the world.
I need to remodel the sanctuary, and step out
in faith.
I have no idea what the future holds, and
that is scary. Mighty scary, but I hold the hand that holds the world.
I hold the hand that holds the world.
I have time.
Reasons I know it's exam period:
-
My room is spotless
- I dyed my hair and quit my job
- I'm making pie
- I'm updating my facebook
- I’m blogging
- Just made ice coffee
if you're going to procrastinate, it should contain caffeine.
- Drove to the shops, bought a burrito kit
- My brother is vacuuming
- I took a photo of my brother vacuuming
yep. He's in exams too.
Anyone want to meet for coffee to talk
destiny & prayer?
and just to prove my point. because nobody thinks it looks diffrent. this is my nasty mane pre dying.
& one more disgusting angle, to show how dark it is.
This
week (as in last week) has been all about old things, and new things for me.
After
many years of faithful service, I had to throw out my old Macbook. It’s intense
high pitched squealing, and refusal to turn on finally got the better of me.
And
trust me, I don’t throw out anything, ever. I have sheets with holes. Sticker
books. The first ever iPhone. The first ever iPod (first world problems). Empty pens. HSC study notes.
Because one day they will be helpful. Sure.
me and Katie (who is 6) made a jungle. She wanted a monkey. I drew her.. a monkey?
In
other news, my lecture on Monday was terribly boring. Not exciting? No it wasn’t.
So I looked for casual work, stumbled upon a local ad, applied off hand with an email, and got an instant reply. That
afternoon I had an interview and early the next morning I got the job. Three
days a week nannying/ housekeeping. All within 24 hours, local, on a farm.
Could I be more blessed? Possibly not. I collect jobs like clouds collect rain.
This week is all about welcoming the
new.
6 week old Leo. My Saturday night date.
This week is my last week of uni/college classes, possibly ever. Probably ever. I was talking to
somebody in my tutorial today about the fact that finishing university
doesn’t really mean anything. They don't have any moment for you. Nothing to commemerate the fact that
you’re done. You really just walk out of there and don’t come back. Until 6
months later for graduation, where you stand alongside other strangers, in
rented robes and don your cap and paper.
apparently it's a real degree.
And so, in an attempt to process what’s
going on right now, last night, with my Bible and my journal in hand, I tried to
write a list, as some mediocre means to process, of what I’ve learnt from my
three years in my arts/ science/ development/ writing degree.
This
is what I came up with: 1. The world is so unequal and
so filled with so many innumerable problems and sufferings, it’s sometimes
unbearable.
In
a rant not too long ago, I wrote it like this [note: if you’re pressed for
time/not procrastinating, you might want to skip over this]:
“Things I've
learn from development studies:
The world is
screwed up. Whatever way you want to put it, this planet we call "the
middle place" is messed up, and muddled up and full of the worst kind of
atrocious suffering. In all the corners, in all the countries and in all the
hearts.
Forever was,
and until the second coming, forever will be.
There is so
much suffering in fact, in so many forms and sub-types that if you tried to
quantify or understand even the fringes of it, you will end up completely
miserable, (that's not even a strong enough word, completely incompacitiated)
and most likely lying, tummy side down, on the floor. Pressing yourself toward
it, all consumed and overhwelmed to the point where you just want to fall and
fall away from it all, fall away from all the thinking, till all the falling is done and you can't
go anywhere further, in the full knowledge that that's not at all possible. Not
even a little bit. Not slightly. Not at all.
You'll lie
there are be consumed by the much of it. After all, there is so much of it.
Most people
deal with it by doing what I personally do best, building a cacoon of denial
and protection, going into self(ish) defense mode and collecting pretty blue
things to drown out the fact that life isn't "fine!" and
"okay!" like we tell ourselves, and our cashiers, that it is. That
when all is well on the homefront, we look on the bright side, take comfort in
that - and let ourselves not be consumed by the most of it all. The suffering,
bleeding, crying, homeless, helpless, lonely much.”
2. Culture and conditioning
really is incredibly influential. My modes of understanding the world are not
universal, and not always right. 3. I’ve learnt about the
history of travel and tourism, global economics, script writing, poetry, prose,
gender, geography, city planning, McDonalds, commodification, communication,
planned obsolescence, disease, epidemiology, linguistics, environmental law,
climate change, genocide, Papua New Guinea, American foreign politics,
development theory, Indian hermaphrodites and so, so, so much more.
It
really has been a wonderful three years. It’s seen me to Seattle and back, I've been kicked out of Bunnings, I went on an excursion to Woolworths, delved into my own past and to the
ends of the rural, forgotten and studied world.
Seattle.
I’m
so thankful for the opportunity to study, and just think and be and expand my
understanding for three whole years. Even with the bains of my existence; bus
commutes and group work.
And
that all ends this week, without a second thought.
I've also been thinking this week about the tendency we have as people to make even our blessings into burdens. When really truly, I am so blessed.
Old
things, old thoughts, old ways of seeing the world, coming to an end.
I’ve
been thinking a lot lately about happiness too. About where it comes from, what
joy is. And what I prioritise, and what I want to do with my life. And whether
what I want even matters, if it should matter. If it does.
The
more times goes on the more God keeps placing this health care thing upon my
vulnerable heart. It breaks it, and crushes it and skews it and makes me so
angry and burdened. And I just want to do something about it. Because surely, faith without deeds, tears without action, is dead.
Old experiences, new desires.
old. new.
Today,
I had a whole list of things I wanted and needed to get done. Instead, I got
called into work, hung out with my brothers, played upwords, cried in class,
and played with photobooth. It was a wonderful day.
Today
I discovered that my favourite home brand fruit snack, are in fact made with 83%
sugar. And one small bar, is 19% of your sugar RDI. They are tiny, my hopes and
dreams of healthy fruit snacks? Crushed.
"But I've had three today" - Ben
I
was told today, that I look like this presenter from Play School. Tim says no,
I don’t have black hair.
For
about the fifteenth time this year I’m trying this week to drink more water.
And more water for me is any water, so I’m trying to drink water. Period.
Playing
upwords for the first time in my life, me and the bretheren (brothers plural)
discovered that “bootb” is the hardest non-word in the English language to try
and pronounce. Ever. Mouth it.
I
really want to go to India. Me and my brother now have a moth. His/her name is Hellsinki and he/she pops up, and has done so for more then a week now. Perching on the curtains, chilling in our rooms and just generally hanging out in the shower. We welcome our strange pet, and he/she has a theme song. It begins, "Hellsinki, the magic moth..."
Hellsinki. Chilling in the living room. Typical.
Speaking of strange pets, last week my brother bought home a stray husky. We were devastated when we had to give Bon Jovi back. It took me an hour to clean my car.
Bon J.
Last week I served chicken that bled. Chickens have blood, how strange is that. And although roasted, it bled.
Old
routines, old sin, old fruit snacks – dumping it.
