the old and the new.

This week (as in last week) has been all about old things, and new things for me.

After many years of faithful service, I had to throw out my old Macbook. It’s intense high pitched squealing, and refusal to turn on finally got the better of me.

And trust me, I don’t throw out anything, ever. I have sheets with holes. Sticker books. The first ever iPhone. The first ever iPod (first world problems). Empty pens. HSC study notes. Because one day they will be helpful. Sure.

me and Katie (who is 6) made a jungle.
She wanted a monkey.
I drew her..  a monkey?

In other news, my lecture on Monday was terribly boring. Not exciting? No it wasn’t. So I looked for casual work, stumbled upon a local ad, applied off hand with an email, and got an instant reply. That afternoon I had an interview and early the next morning I got the job. Three days a week nannying/ housekeeping. All within 24 hours, local, on a farm. Could I be more blessed? Possibly not. I collect jobs like clouds collect rain. 

This week is all about welcoming the new.

6 week old Leo. My Saturday night date.

This week is my last week of uni/college classes, possibly ever. Probably ever.

I was talking to somebody in my tutorial today about the fact that finishing university doesn’t really mean anything. They don't have any moment for you. Nothing to commemerate the fact that you’re done. You really just walk out of there and don’t come back. Until 6 months later for graduation, where you stand alongside other strangers, in rented robes and don your cap and paper. 

apparently it's a real degree.

And so, in an attempt to process what’s going on right now, last night, with my Bible and my journal in hand, I tried to write a list, as some mediocre means to process, of what I’ve learnt from my three years in my arts/ science/ development/ writing degree.

This is what I came up with:

1. The world is so unequal and so filled with so many innumerable problems and sufferings, it’s sometimes unbearable.

In a rant not too long ago, I wrote it like this [note: if you’re pressed for time/not procrastinating, you might want to skip over this]:

“Things I've learn from development studies:

The world is screwed up. Whatever way you want to put it, this planet we call "the middle place" is messed up, and muddled up and full of the worst kind of atrocious suffering. In all the corners, in all the countries and in all the hearts.

Forever was, and until the second coming, forever will be.

There is so much suffering in fact, in so many forms and sub-types that if you tried to quantify or understand even the fringes of it, you will end up completely miserable, (that's not even a strong enough word, completely incompacitiated) and most likely lying, tummy side down, on the floor. Pressing yourself toward it, all consumed and overhwelmed to the point where you just want to fall and fall away from it all, fall away from all the thinking, till all the falling is done and you can't go anywhere further, in the full knowledge that that's not at all possible. Not even a little bit. Not slightly. Not at all.

You'll lie there are be consumed by the much of it. After all, there is so much of it.

Most people deal with it by doing what I personally do best, building a cacoon of denial and protection, going into self(ish) defense mode and collecting pretty blue things to drown out the fact that life isn't "fine!" and "okay!" like we tell ourselves, and our cashiers, that it is. That when all is well on the homefront, we look on the bright side, take comfort in that - and let ourselves not be consumed by the most of it all. The suffering, bleeding, crying, homeless, helpless, lonely much.”

     2. Culture and conditioning really is incredibly influential. My modes of understanding the world are not universal, and not always right.

3.  I’ve learnt about the history of travel and tourism, global economics, script writing, poetry, prose, gender, geography, city planning, McDonalds, commodification, communication, planned obsolescence, disease, epidemiology, linguistics, environmental law, climate change, genocide, Papua New Guinea, American foreign politics, development theory, Indian hermaphrodites and so, so, so much more.

It really has been a wonderful three years. It’s seen me to Seattle and back, I've been kicked out of Bunnings, I went on an excursion to Woolworths, delved into my own past and to the ends of the rural, forgotten and studied world.

Seattle.

I’m so thankful for the opportunity to study, and just think and be and expand my understanding for three whole years. Even with the bains of my existence; bus commutes and group work.

And that all ends this week, without a second thought.

I've also been thinking this week about the tendency we have as people to make even our blessings into burdens. When really truly, I am so blessed.

Old things, old thoughts, old ways of seeing the world, coming to an end.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about happiness too. About where it comes from, what joy is. And what I prioritise, and what I want to do with my life. And whether what I want even matters, if it should matter. If it does.

I cried in class today. Watching this.

The more times goes on the more God keeps placing this health care thing upon my vulnerable heart. It breaks it, and crushes it and skews it and makes me so angry and burdened. And I just want to do something about it.

Because surely, faith without deeds, tears without action, is dead.

Old experiences, new desires.

old. new.

Today, I had a whole list of things I wanted and needed to get done. Instead, I got called into work, hung out with my brothers, played upwords, cried in class, and played with photobooth. It was a wonderful day.

Today I discovered that my favourite home brand fruit snack, are in fact made with 83% sugar. And one small bar, is 19% of your sugar RDI. They are tiny, my hopes and dreams of healthy fruit snacks? Crushed.

"But I've had three today" - Ben

I was told today, that I look like this presenter from Play School. Tim says no, I don’t have black hair.

For about the fifteenth time this year I’m trying this week to drink more water. And more water for me is any water, so I’m trying to drink water. Period.

Playing upwords for the first time in my life, me and the bretheren (brothers plural) discovered that “bootb” is the hardest non-word in the English language to try and pronounce. Ever. Mouth it.

I really want to go to India.

Me and my brother now have a moth. His/her name is Hellsinki and he/she pops up, and has done so for more then a week now. Perching on the curtains, chilling in our rooms and just generally hanging out in the shower. We welcome our strange pet, and he/she has a theme song. It begins, "Hellsinki, the magic moth..." 

Hellsinki. Chilling in the living room. Typical.

Speaking of strange pets, last week my brother bought home a stray husky. We were devastated when we had to give Bon Jovi back. It took me an hour to clean my car. 

Bon J.

Last week I served chicken that bled. Chickens have blood, how strange is that. And although roasted, it bled. 

Old routines, old sin, old fruit snacks – dumping it.

New computer, new job, new mindset – bring it.

Happy November, shave that face.