Rope: March 2014

I'm in California and SoCal is SoGreat.

It's very strange for me. I don't know how to feel, and as a result - I feel at least twenty five things, all the time - all the time.

This isn’t one of those funny or informative posts by the way. It’s just outward, written processing.

I finished up a near year in Omaha, said another round of goodbyes, sold my car, moved out of my house, left my job and farewelled my fiance until the week of our wedding. I then got on a plane; waking at 2am and loosing three hours - arriving two flights later to the San Diego morning ( and we all know what that means, thanks to Anchor Man).

Walking the halls of the airport, just after 4am, with Luke's hand in mine - slowly putting one foot in front of the other, like it would somehow help to slow time, was all too horrible, and all too familiar. So many times we have had to say goodbye - and I feel, I spend my whole life leaving.

And I didn't have a dozen hours like the others - to curl up in my plane seat, and zip up my hoodie and cry away my grieving - I only had hours, with so many people and excitement waiting for me at the other end.

I was so sad, so tired and so happy all at once - as in the airport lobby I was greeted by the loving arms, of an I-haven't-seen-you-in-way-too-long-but-I-love-you-so-much friend.

Added to shortly after by some of my favourite Europeans and some new fun ones; gathering a group who hadn't hung out since Townsville 2009 - for an incredible week, in the amazing sun, in a beautiful house, in a spectacular city.

We busted out the jean shorts, went to the beach, ran around Disney Land, loved the San Diago Zoo, tied a million bows for wedding prep, went swimming, ate and ate and ate, went to the spa, got manicures, were spoiled at the rehearsal dinner and watched our dear friend transform from a Miss to a Mrs.

It was wonderful.

The beach and sun? Happiness!

Great friends? Amazing!

Relaxation? Splendid!

Disney? Magical!

The Zoo? Madagascar!

Being away from the love of my life....

Transitioning out of Omaha..

Packing up and unpacking my life once more...

Knowing I'll be home next week for the first time in a year..

Being a part of a wedding knowing I'll be married in six weeks...

I'm.. overwhelmed. And being hit with waves of sadness, guilt and anxiety.

So much of my future - immediate and otherwise - is uncertain.

It's still incredibly hard, knowing Australian won't be my home.

It's very difficult, being so happy and so anxious and so excited and unsure, so much of the time.

California has trees like Australia, and weather like Australia, and where I am - a house full of Australians, and it's like.. I can smell, and taste and feel the starts of home. It's my half way house.

Familiar! The land where I'm not weird or strange or exotic; everyone sounds and looks and speaks like me. They understand me.

But it won't be the same. It will never, ever, ever be the same again! And that’s not an easy swob to swallow.

I have the most enormous to do list from the moment I arrive and and and and and it's hard to be here and there and back and forward and present in the moment without just breaking down and going into hiding.

I have no job to come home to, no plans, no goals, no car and no idea how to be a wife. Ah! Did I mention I'm over sensitive.. all the time?

It doesn't help, it really doesn't help, that I made the bad decision to leave my Bible in Omaha.

I have my one in Australia - and I wanted to leave one here.

Bad. Life. Choice.

Without the daily soaking in truth and the word, with familiar imprints on my prayer pink knees - I feel more.. all over the place, out of control and in panic.

I miss my Lord.

His still quiet voice and reassurance.

It's hard for me to breathe, relax and enjoy.

I'm coming home. In two days (which turns into four with the time warp).

But! My beautiful friend is wonderfully married.