Rope: A Guide for Australians moving to the USA (Part 1: driving, talking and food)

Hello. Remember me?

It's been a while, I know. I know.

I've been.. busy? distracted? lazy? lost? overwhelmed?

all of the above.

Back I'm back, I'm here, I'm ready. Armed with three trips to the USA, and a combination of one year's experienced international living.

We may look similar, and technically talk the same language, but don't be fooled - they are not the same country. For one, they don't know Blinky Bill. For two, they don't know the joys of a good scotch finger. So three, this is my attempt at being helpful.

A multi-part vent/ guide for those tan, intrepid Australians who are making the move, and spending a season in the land of the free, and the home of of the brave.

I promise my arm is usually in proportion.

Yes friends. Mates. Frates.

It is exactly how you expect it to be.

It really is like walking onto the set of Friends, Glee and Hey Arnold, but it's real life.

Squirrels exist. Weetbix doesn't. Yellow school busses? They're real.

"All ya'll" does weave it's way into conversation, and there are Starbucks. Everywhere. {no signs of Gloria Jeans}.

So here's my guide. My guide for Australians, moving their lives to the US of A.

Let's assume at this point that you've gone through the rigmarole of visa's, interviews, green cards and that horrendously long wait at the American consulate {you know the one}, and let's continue.

You've taken the two dozen hours of flights it takes to get there, and you've talked to the cold-mouthed, stern, finger print stealing men and women at the airport entrance gates.

You're going down the escalator, most likely being greeted by a framed, smiling picture of the President, and you're walking out the airport doors. You're in America.

Here's how to survive. In a several part venformational series (a 50-50 information/ vent split):

1. DRIVING

Grab your sticky notes and say your prayers.

Get this - right side of the road, left hand side of the car.

way too cold to get out and show you today.

Be prepared to get into the passengers side and try to drive for at least six months. Indicators are on the other side of the steering wheel, and flipped upside down. Instead of indicating left you will faithfully turn on your wind screen wipers every single time, and you also change gears with your right hand.

The boot is now the trunk, petrol is now gas {and comes by the gallon – and is sooo much cheaper}, and you know how they told you that it's super easy to just swap our your Australian license? They lied. The good news - you can smile in your license photo! Say goodbye to the 10 year mug shot.

let's have a laugh and move on.

The RTA is now the DMV. Get comfortable there. You need to take a test, or in my case - three. They'll ask you stupid questions you don't know the answers to, like about driving in the snow {what?} and miles per hour. Study, there's a book.

One written, and a driving test.

When he asks you to make an emergency stop, it doesn't mean quickly breaking, hitching your legs up over the steering wheel and faking labour. Disappointing. Try just pulling to the side, and coming to a complete stop. Also smile and remind him you're 'Australian'. Seemed to work for me.

Miles are small numbers. Kilometers are bigger. Get insurance and don't spend much on a car. There is a high chance of you hitting something, or someone, at some point. There are police, everywhere. No speed cameras! Hoorah.

Write 'left' and 'right' on sticky notes and tape them to your steering wheel. I can't tell you how this has saved my life. I'll tell you now, it saved my life.

And when you see small children, dogs and sleeping people 'driving the car', remember, the driver now sits on the left. Just breathe.

You can also turn right on red. If it's a red light and free, turn away. Enjoy the rebellious feeling, and don't take this habit home.

Avoid round abouts at all costs. Trust me friend, it's not worth it.

Utes are now trucks and trucks are now semi’s.

Another thing, cars are ENORMOUS here. Not sure if that's a reflection on the size of the people, or what - but it gets a tad ridiculous. It makes Australia seem like lego land. When you need a step ladder and friend to get into your vehicle, then yes; I think it's gone a little too far. But God says hi. And nobody, not anyone, has ever heard of your beloved Holden.

You pay for petrol/ gas at the pump! You don't need to go inside. And there's a little latch under the pump that you can flick and you don't even have to hold it. I suggest being amazed at this privately and not standing and staring with your mouth half open, pointing, like I did.

Driving in the snow is like.. it's like driving with your eyes closed, on ski's, with dinosaur arms. My advice is just don't. And if you just have to, just pray. Slow and steady will not win you the race, but it will save you your life.

Good luck!

2. TALKING

Get used to it, you're weird and wonderful and from now on - people will not listen to a word you say. This is for one of three reasons:

a) they don't understand you

b) they're too infatuated with your accent to listen to your words, or

c) you're foreign, and that's all that needs to be said.

You've grown up being told that you speak the same language, and that 'English' is somehow universal, well here's news, it's most certainly not.

There's the words that are different, like (Australian then American): thongs/ flip flops, biscuits/ cookies, doona/ comforter, tomato sauce/ ketchup, jug/ pitcher, tip/ tag, jumper/sweatshirt, full stop/ period, swimmers/ smim suit, bubbler/ drinking fountain, mince/ ground beef..

And then there are the words that are the same, but said different: mocha, apricot, water, garage, tomato, oregano, basil, herbs, anything with an 'r' sound...

And then there are the words that we shorten that simply don't make sense any more: arvo, mozzie, arvo tea, onya', cuppa, uni, barbie..

My tip is: find your middle ground.

To save my self a thousand "whaaaattt's?" for example, I've changed some of my vocabulary. It's not okay to say "I love wearing thongs because it's just so hot and it makes me feel free!" anymore.

I don't talk about 'uni' or how much I wish I had my favourite jumper. And I don't introduce myself as 'Bec' anymore because it too quickly becomes either Beth, or Becca, so I stick with Rebecca and move right on.

However, it's also generally fun being Australian. On the whole, American's like us; and we're treated as some sort of strange, rare, misunderstood, tan and hilarious sounding beings. And so I've also chosen to keep some of my words, and I refuse, refuse, to make my 'herbs' a silent 'h'.

Get used to hearing, "you've never heard of {insert a cultural reference/ person/ event} before?" and get used to explaining why you've never celebrated Thanksgiving, or the Fourth of July.

By the way, apparently, you’re also incredibly oppressed because you still have a queen. Did you know that?

Now this is strange:

When people say ‘I’m fine’, it’s no longer code for ‘I’m not fine’. They’re actually fine, kind of equivalent to our ‘not bad’. Similarly if someone says, ‘you look fine’, keep your fists by your side; it’s a compliment.

With your fists, be careful with your language because words your mum would say at home, are actually swear and cuss words here. Don’t say ass, don’t say hell no, don’t say anything unless you’re sure. Chances are they won’t understand you if you do, but be especially reverent.

I've also learnt to collect, rather then be offended by the seemingly 'strange' questions. Did I drive to America from Australia? No I didn't. I flew. Does Australia have a flag? Yes it does. Did the dingo eat my baby? No, I've never had a baby.

One last note: never say, 'look at me look at me look at me' in your Kath and Kim voice, NO ONE will find it funny, and no one will know what you're talking about. It's noice. It's different. It's unusual.

3. FOOD

Oh food, glorious food.

Probably one of the first things you will notice is the difference in food. It’s not the same. Some of it may appear the same – ‘oh that looks like bread, a hamburger, a peach’ etc – but it’s not. Trust me, it’s not.

I’m ashamed of the amount of money I would spend to get my hands on some puffed wheat cereal, real chai tea, a Cadbury block of chocolate and a vegemite scone right now, I tell you.

In a nutshell, American food generally tastes better {as in fatty, sugary, salty better}, but it is a lot worse for you. Australian food is a lot more bland, but in general, a whole lot better for your insides, and usually a lot more fresh.

Things to stock up on while you’re in Australia: tim tams, milo {although I did find it in Walmart in the ‘Spanish Food’ section… for obvious reasons?}, caramel koalas, Cadbury – anything, Mars Bars, cereal without sugar, loose leaf tea, bread, and all the Summer fruits {they’re here but.. so different}.

Don’t be surprised is your bread is full of sugar, your cereal is borderline filled with lollies, and your fruits all taste the same. 'Fruit snacks' are not at all fruit.. snacks, and Twizzlers, we’ve been lied to – are not good, and simply taste like plastic tubing. Cool Whip is, I don’t really know still, but it’s not whipped cream, and it kind of tastes like icing. Ravioli, you can buy it in a can. Don’t.

Things to try when you’re in the USA: funnel cake, elephant ears, reece’s peanut butter cups {preferably those that are pumpkin shaped}, pudding cups, bagels and cream cheese.

And you can kiss baking goodbye. Save the space, and don’t even bring your Australian recipe’s.

You can’t get some of the ingredients {like thickened cream for example, or golden syrup} and even when you can, they don’t work the same. Even with converted temperatures, standard cup measures are not the same, and for some reason, your tried and tested beauties never quite work out okay. I’ve had terrible pies, liquid moose, and un-risen cakes to prove it. And I can bake, in Australia, anyhow.

exhibit A: my thanksgiving apple pie

Biscuits are now cookies, and scones and now biscuits. Jam is now jelly and jelly is now jello. And scones are triangles. It's a strange, strange place.

Kettles! Literally nobody has an electric kettle. I've seen a few, rare stove top ones {as in grandma's.. with tea cosy.. on the gas stove ones} but none anywhere, that even resemble the Australian standard. Tetley would be greatly offended, so if you're a tea fan like myself, be prepared to kick it old school, and adapt.

I find {with no intention of offending anyone} that America has a unique ability to make up the strangest and most fat-laden food combinations.

In the strange category you will find brown sugar flavoured ham, maple flavoured bacon {who knew, you could flavour meats?}, chocolate covered bacon and pretzel m&m’s. On the borderline lie ‘Cookie Crisp’; small chocolate biscuits as a cereal option, and ‘Lucky Charms’; marshmallows and sugar for breakfast. And on the fattening end of the scale we find the waffle taco; outside waffle, inside breakfast meats, and coffee creamer, literally – cream in your coffee. Mm Mmm.