tips for the crazy and long distance

If you enjoy misunderstandings, large internet and mail bills, panic, time zone confusion, heart ache, patience and general frustration; then I would counsel you, yes; go into a long distance relationship.

yes I enjoyed wasting a tonne of time going
through long distance memes on google.

Most advice, movies, people and plot lines tell you that in the end and eventually  they don't work out. And for the most part, I can see why.

true.

Relationships are built on trust, communication, love, sacrificial action, time and commitment, all of which is challenged by several thousand miles, a couple of oceans, two time zones, competing schedules and the great unknown.

 I've been reading the five love languages (which, ironically, my boyfriend thinks is stupid), and for me, I am without a doubt both "quality time" and "physical touch". When you're long distance, you can't have quality time, and unless having a decent snuggle with your macbook or iPhone does it for you, you can't have physical touch either.

the reaction of all people.

Thus, I'm a terrible fit for this kind of commitment and most of the days, it drives me insane.

The waiting seems endless, long, overwhelming sometimes and very, very lonely others.

You question, is this real, and you are questioned, is it real?

Everyone says, be careful, whilst looking at their watches and questioning how long it will last.

Or maybe they don’t, you’ve just got the distance crazies.

Depending on how you look at the question, I have been in a long distance relationship anywhere between five years and three months. Since meeting him, I haven't seriously dated (or wanted to date) anybody else.

When things became serious, real, defined and "official" is a whole different story. It depends on perspective, and neither of us really know. Technically we just celebrated 6 months {thank you}. Except for the fact that this month didn't have a "31st" and so therefore didn't really exist. The day that came closest was his birthday, and the days on either side; we were busy. I live in the future anyway, and we didn't even get to chat.

Oh, the joys of long distance.

If you're considering it, or like me, have - without a choice - been given that token by life, or God Himself, then I have a few tips, or at the very least gentle suggestions.

1.     Don't even enter into it unless you are sure.

Am I sure?

Can you ever be sure?

Um, no..

But, unless you've known them as a "real" (as in non digital) person, and if the time of separation has a foreseeable end – I wouldn’t recommend it.

but it's true. I do.

{"Oh Bec you're so wise"  - said no one ever, just for the record}

By all means get to know somebody far away, have pen-pals, email friends and skype conversations but don't date, don't be official until you see yourselves together (with your eyes! not your dreams..), in each others space, for me - in each others lands, and do yourself a favour, be sure.

Because long distance has the tendency to do two things:

First, make the other person appear flawless and impeccable, with no room to make mistakes, all the freedom to have body odour, and all the time in the world to perfectly word emails and texts. It's too easy to hide daily and persistent imperfections. Eventually the "true" will catch up with the "to good to be", and right there is disappointment. Like the body odour issue, huge stinky pits of disappointment  People are flesh and blood for a reason, get to know them that way.

yes I do this regularly.

Second, it can make them appear pretty awful and untrustworthy. Between text message silences, lonely nights, time differences, missed anniversaries and stalking out of context facebook photos, it can quickly make you paranoid. For other people, of course, not me.

So my advice? Be sure. Know the person in flesh and blood. Let long distance spring from a pre-existing close distance relationship, where you know the person, not just their projected persona. 

Also, again with the foreseeable end thing.

 I would say don't start it, unless you can see the end of it. Forever long distance is a recipe for disaster. Why? 

Because these are the situations where long distance utterly sucks:

- On public transport, where there are cuddling pre-teen pubescent couples

- Anywhere, where there are couples

- Whilst watching romantic comedies

- Whilst watching scary movies

- Whilst watching anything

- Going to the movies

- Sitting on couches

- Birthdays and anniversaries

- Days with crappy internet

- Crappy days

- Times when you just need a man hug

- On days when you look awesome

- Graduations, celebrations

- Most of every day, when you are awake and he is asleep

- Receiving wedding invitations, or any invitation 

- Talking to relatives/ anyone you haven't seen for a while

- Anywhere public where you seem single and alone

- Anytime, when you have time to think

And yeah, I could continue. A lot of the time it does suck, a lot of the time it is hard, a lot of the time distance fosters either unrealistic expectations, or misunderstandings. 

I don't live in Perth...

In December when I left him at the departure gate, I literally sobbed the entire walk back through the airport to the car, then in the car, and pretty much the whole way home.

So I would say for sure, yeah; only do it if is had a foreseeable, planned end.

BUT, if you do decide to make the plunge and go l-d (just made that up, sounds like a drug), then I can think of plenty of ways to make the time more bearable, and shock horror, sometimes even enjoyable.

Tip 2: Use the distance. For one, ladies, you don't have to shave! {is it just me who hates shaving?}

truth.

And also you have time to personally prepare. I firmly believe that you won't be content within a relationship unless you are content within yourself, and by yourself. Happiness comes from healthy relationships, but shouldn't be the goal of them.  Use the distance to work on you, would you want to date or marry yourself?

I see myself in the morning, and on days with PMS. So no, I know I wouldn’t.

Also, do things other couples can't. Like long distance photo-proof truth or dare. 

Just don't dare your boyfriend to swim in a public fountain. Because he lives in an in-land state, in the middle of Winter, and everywhere is frozen. Yep.

Sometimes I bake him bright cakes!
send photos. then get fat on them myself.

3. Connect. Do what you can to connect on a day to day basis. I used to think I was born in the wrong era, as I pined for corsets, 18th century ball gowns and gentlemen on horseback. But Lord knows now I'm thankful for skype, facetime, picture messaging, emails, hey tell, instagram and a move on from the telgram. No matter where you are in the world, contact can be instantaneous and for your own sanity, it should be frequent. 

Having a regular skype date time can be helpful, and something to look forward to. So is the sending of daily photos; of your outfit, what you're doing, who you're with. Show your other that even though you're far away, you're thinking about them. I love that, sending and receiving.  

again, with the baking and the love notes.

4. Involve. Try and involve the other person in your life as much as possible. In decisions you're making, big and small, with your friends and family, in asking advice, keeping them updated, in prayer; that kind of thing. Read the same books, watch the same movies, send them music, sermons, drafts of the papers you're writing to proof read. Having two worlds; your dating world and your real world, which don't intersect, I think can be very dangerous. If it's getting serious let those who know you best be in contact as well; love can blind, so make it a family and friend thing.

conflicted. this is cute, but also makes me want to vomit.

5. Send great packages. One of the things I do love about long distance is it fosters great creativity! And there is nothing, nothing, nothing like the excitement of recieving a great big package, or the knowledge that one is on its way.

made him a calander.

Christmas package :D

Valentines Day!

While your married friends are expecting babies, you can expect packages. Both are awaited with anticipation, and at the end of the day, yours doesn’t poop

From scheming with friends, sending surprise parcels from amazon, painting murals, sending hand written letters, mixed CDs, facebook videos and the exchange of national icons; it is a tonne of fun. Me and man, we are good at this. Our package standard is unrealistically high, but also super fun. 

Christmas love mug.

His welcome on return to Aussie land.

I’m talking hand-drawn books, canvas’s, personalised love songs and puzzle pieces to put together, it’s kind of great.

The man at the post office now knows me by face, and the details of our relationship. This is awesome.

6. Ladies, watch Like Crazy. Then cry and cry and cry. Then go to officeworks, buy a scrap book and begin to document your relationships, in times together and in times apart. Glue photos, write crap,  document milestones, apologise when you can't verbalise it, stick in dinner napkins, quote yourself, colour in and share secrets. Process within it, and then one day, after months of construction; give your journal as a gift. It's useful for you and hopefully, helpful for him. I know this has been invaluable to me.

 [plus, if you ever need to prove the validity of your relationship in a future marital visa interview, they could come in handy. Yes I think about these things. See section about paranoia]

7. If all else fails, talk. Honestly. Be reminded why you're doing this, and make plans for your next trip. 

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

So if like me, you're crazy and long distance, let it fond.

I feel like it's time to introduce this photo to the world.
This is him, with my parents.
I look up and see this, his hand on my mums knee.
...
It's not - it's my mums hand, but it's also the best thing ever.